So, first off, I'd like to say that I'm pretty sure I could kick it with James Bond. No, I'm not a spy, and honestly, guns make me hyperventilate a little, but I'm enjoying a dry martini, shaken, not stirred, as I write this. Yeah, I feel a bit debonair.
My last post was about the princess/warrior complex that is so pervasive in youth culture. I want to make a quick correction to that post and mention something I completely forgot to include. VIDEO GAMES! I profess that since I married a gamer I tend to have a bit of a blind spot in that area, and though not all games are bad, the vast majority are violence-based. You can't tell me that playing Battlefield or Call of Duty (and those are the tame ones) doesn't condition you for war. Pretty sure it does. However, I'm thinking games like Little Big Planet or Super Mario are fairly harmless as far as violence goes, and actually can help develop not only hand-eye coordination but also perseverance and problem-solving skills. So, parents, check the labels! Those ratings are there for a reason.
And now....I've been noticing lately that the 'programming' I've endured throughout my life from magazines, TV, and the cult of celebrity have really done a number on my self-esteem (as well as various hurts I've suffered). Here I am, a 25-year-old woman, fairly intelligent, emotionally strong, and infinitely caring. And yet, I doubt myself at every turn. My most recent decision is regarding one of the most enduring issues I've had in my life, and that is my weight and health. Last year, at almost exactly this time, I quit smoking. I did it through prayer. Anytime I wanted a cig, I just prayed about it and asked God to take away that craving. Now, whether you see that as reinforcing my own willpower by some kind of psychological talisman or as God actually intervening in my life is immaterial to me; I know where I stand. The fact remains that I DID IT. I quit, without medical assistance, one of the most addictive substances in the world. Go Me, right? Eh, I suppose. Well, it's true, I am kinda proud of myself, though I am mostly proud that I knew to ask for help. That idea transfers to my quest to lose weight. I need help. So, I'm exercising with my mom, using Weight Watchers to track what I eat, and generally paying more attention to my nutrition (and, yes, I pray about it). The thing is, I'm surrounded by things that attempt to defeat me.
At every corner as I'm driving to work in the morning is a fast-food place. The house I work at has chocolate-chip cookie dough in the fridge. I am tempted to stop at Cold Stone Creamery pretty much daily. And that's just the food! Last night I went grocery shopping (lots of veggies, yay!) and was bombarded at the checkout lane with pictures of these skinny, beautiful, seemingly perfect women. Now, I know in my head that these are not real women. They may have started out that way, but they have been poked and prodded and trained and airbrushed into an unreachable goal. They are not as happy as they look and though they may be rich, that don't have the husband and family I do, poor things. In my heart, though, I feel a pang every time I walk through that gauntlet or watch TV (btw, getting rid of cable was the best decision my hubby and I ever made) and see those lithe, willowy women or those big-tittied, curvy ones half undressed and acting slutty. Does this make any sense?! Why would I want to be slutty? I have neither need nor desire to flaunt my body, yet there is a small part of me that is jealous of these creatures. Ok, I'll be honest, it's small, but loud. When I envision myself healthy and thinner, I almost always picture my 'dream body' in a bikini, and I rarely can visualize my face. What does that say to you? To me, it says that I'm so twisted with these images of impossible ideals that I've failed on some level to see what a beautiful, healthy body looks like. What MY beautiful, healthy body looks like. And furthermore, why the hell am I so preoccupied with what my body looks like? I need to become familiar with how my body feels, what it's telling me. I have strong legs and arms that can dead lift a squirming child, no problem. I'd like to be able to run for more than a block without feeling like I'm going to die. I'm attempting here to supplant my conditioning (look skinny and hot=be happy) with my own values. I value a strong heart and lungs. I value living to a ripe old age to support and enjoy my great grandchildren. I value being there for my husband and family in whatever capacity they need. And last but DEFINITELY not least, I value myself.
What I need to remember, and what I hope ALL my friends remember, is that though I have been hurt repeatedly and my self-esteem has been bruised and battered by these impossibly attractive ideals, I am more than my reflection. This sounds cliche, yes, but damn it, it's true, and worth saying over and over. The world can only deal with us on an external basis. No person can truly know another's mind, and so we are left to bumble around interacting with these faces and trusting that we are being understood, appreciated, validated. So, stop looking outside yourself for the support you need. I'm not saying you should discount your friends and family; they are extremely necessary. Just, look inside yourself first. Trust to the strength God put into you, because that strength is Him. Be your own best friend first, and don't just learn to love yourself, but take joy in yourself. Be exuberant! Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions and realize that they, like everything else in this tiny, inconsequential, breath-taking existence we lead, are temporary and changeable.
Mostly, trust to your own innate self, "for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self control." So, don't be afraid; it's not in your spirit. The fear you feel was planted in you in the hopes that it would inhibit you and keep you from realizing your own awesome potential. It is fed by the television & media, the insecure people who put you down, and the blindness you have to your own situation. It is my sincere hope that this helps you take off those blinders and banish that snivelling, slinking fear from your heart. Root it out! It's not welcome. Remember the power of God that dwells in you, the unconditional love that comforts you, and the self control you have to resist temptation and rise above the petty, stinking mass that has become American culture.
No, it's not easy. It's terrifying to let go of a crutch you've relied on for so long. I'm still scared that I'll mess up and have to start all over again. I still want to bury my fears in a pint of Chunky Monkey and an entire Jake's pizza and just doze off in a food coma. But, I'm realizing that with the powerful, loving spirit God gave me and the support of my family and friends, I can say no to the creamy, fatty deliciousness and choose to weed my garden, walk around the lake, or dance my butt off for an hour in Zumba. God gave me free will so I could learn to make the right decisions myself, and He is the best support I could ask for.
